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Sunday, August 3, 2014

I challenged the Fear


Exactly two years ago, on August 2nd, 2012, I boarded a plane, headed towards freedom. With me were my three children and nowhere near enough baggage. I knew my destination, but I was also aware that the new life waiting for me wouldn’t be an easy one.
That fear didn’t stop me. I was determined and ready. It was all done secretly with the help of my sister and boss and the support of my wonderful friends, Jodi and Pat.

I was emotionally drained, in physical pain too. I didn’t know my body was suffering that much. I didn’t know the abuse and stress were causing that much damage. I was worried and scared; in fact, I was terrified…
….until I boarded the second plane in Heathrow. On that plane, I could breathe. I was in safe territory. On that plane, he had no power. We were free.

The first few weeks were the holidays I never had. We had fun. I relaxed. I was relieved and wasn’t ready yet to tell anyone, not even my children that we are here to stay. I didn’t even want to remind myself of that. I just wanted to enjoy the moment and give myself a break.

It didn’t last long. One day, everyone had to face the truth and I had to face the consequences of my decision. The abuse didn’t stop. Threats of death, brainwashing, promises, yelling, humiliation, and love… yes, even love. I think it was the only thing that really worked in the past. He could always convince me that he loved me and I was happy to believe him.

I lived a different fear and a huge loss. I felt like I had lost everything: my past, my life, myself. It was hard at that point to realize I was just finding myself, the real me.

I had 2 years of ups and downs. It’s not easy to control rebellious children who didn’t choose this new life. They had to adapt to a new school, new friends. They have lost a family, a father, a home and their childhood. I struggled with family who couldn’t quite believe the intensity of the abuse because I had hidden it so well for so long.

I had health issues and money problems while we were gradually settling down and adapting to our new life in Canada. I had so many disappointments. I looked for support and got great help from 2 marvellous counselors, but I needed more. I think I wasn’t really looking for help as much as I was starving for validation and love. I needed a friend, I desperately need to feel I have someone I can call a friend. Loneliness is my nightmare. It has always been.

FINALLY I found a job. I like it very much. It is very interesting but what is best about it is that it gives me a purpose, a reason to get out of bed every morning. It helps me re-build myself and find again my strength and abilities. I am not useless. I am not stupid. I am not “nothing and invisible” as I believed for so many years.

The kids are moving on in their schooling. I am not divorced yet but slowly 'moving along the track'. I know that I’m not well yet. I still have so much to do. Last week was a very painful one as I learned that the time has come for me to stop therapy. Therapy, for me, was more like an opportunity to examine my life in the company of two really good, confidential and understanding friends. The realization that I was losing those two good friends came as an almost physical shock. I was devastated but I think it was the “slap on the face” I needed to realize it was time to move on …. 
Looking into tomorrow (it’s too early for me to talk about “future” yet), with a renewed hope and wearing a big smile.



22 comments:

  1. YYYYEEEESSSS .... You are emerging from the darkest tunnel, dear little sister ... wonderful post .... Pat :)
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Spiritual-Thoughts-and-Messages/228681874007717?ref_type=bookmark

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  2. Amazing story from an amazing woman! It takes a very strong, very loving person to do what you did. I know that all of the aspects of abuse can't be ranked on a scale of badness, because it's all horrendous, but still, I think one of the worst parts of it is the abusers professed love and the fact that he (or she) believes it and makes the other person believe it, too. But you demonstrated the deepest love of all in taking your children and yourself and fleeing. While it's so very difficult at first, it's the best thing you could have done for all of you. You are truly an inspiration.

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    1. Thank you so much Tanya. I often need to hear that I took the right decision. It happens that I doubt myself and even forget what were the real reasons that made me do it. I'm so glad we connected. Much love!

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  3. Wow, it's been two years already since you made the break. Time passes so quickly. It's great to read your update -- you've made such tremendous progress under difficult conditions. You have great courage and strength, and it's wonderful to know you and your children are safe. May your life continue to blossom with peace and joy.

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    1. Thank you so much Nadine. I really appreciate you and your comment. I remember one of your messages, some time before I left, and it gave me so much courage. Thank you

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  4. You are such an inspiration, Nikky! May you always be happy!

    Love and hugs to you! Was so happy to see your post in my Facebook feed today!

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    1. Big hugs to you too Vidya!! Much love!

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  5. I wondered about you, wished you well. So glad that in spite of all the ups and downs, you're progressing. Good luck with your job, the divorce, your children and especially in finding yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much Myrna! Although some days I still feel like I have failed, but then I look back at how different my life is now, and it makes me happy.

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  6. Sweetie, just thinking about tomorrow, not the future, is a huge leap of faith, and all God asks us to handle are the present moments. He's in the picture, right there with you, wanting you to find the true you He meant you to be. Be strong and have courage, always, Nikky, and know you are never alone. Love and blessings!

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    1. You always have the right words for me

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  7. I loved reading this update, Nikky. You have been through so much, but you are still here, still striving forward. I know you will continue to heal.

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    1. You're so right Tina! It's easy to remember bad times, but so much better to look at how I came out of those bad moments!! Much love

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  8. I am awe-struck by your courage, dear Nikky! I wish you and your children continued healing and many blessings. ♥

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    1. Thank you very much Corinne! I wouldn't be courageous if I didn't have all the support, everyone has showed me on this blog!

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  9. Nikki , i have never expressed my personal issues on any public forum, but your post gave me alot of strength.I have similar issues, although there is no abuse, but humiliation, taunt, making me feel small and unwanted, useless, unloved, and no concerns whatsoever of my emotional feelings and needs.Instead there is alot of depression, which is making my disease worse.
    I have raised two of his kids with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but he never seems to understand that i cannot be an efficient housewife and need help now due to my aching diseased body.I bared with him 10 yrs for my kids, and now am trying to detach us from them, but he is their father and that will always mke me face him and bear him.Please pray that i develop the strength just like you!Take care dear :)

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    1. I'm so happy my post or story could help in any way, and I'm also so happy for you because you took the decision to stand up for yourself and your rights to be respected and loved. I know you will always have to face him, but it can be with your rules, your decision, your control of your life and decisions! Keep strong. Much love!

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  10. I hope you remember me from wordpress as letsspreadcompassion.wordpress.com

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  11. You're an inspiration! It takes such courage to do what you did but also to share it. Your story will help so many women who are suffering right now. Stay strong!

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  12. Best wishes, Nikki. Your courage is inspiring. I'm glad you've found a job you like. xx

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  13. You had the courage to leave. You can be proud of you Nikki. I am proud of you. You are rebuilding your life and you are heading towards more and more and more light. Sending you love and May God bless you with peace and serenity.

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