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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sometimes i wish....

Sometimes I wish..........

Sometimes I wish YOU didn't abandon me when I was a a toddler. I know you loved me, I know you cared and I know that grandma took good care of me, but it was YOU that I needed, your attentions I wanted. Oh how I wished you would notice me, hug me, miss me; how I wished I could get seriously sick so that you would sit next to my bed and hold my hand.

Sometimes I wish YOU were nicer to me in school, you accepted me as a schoolmate, and invited me to your parties and to play with you. I wish you tried to understand me and got to know me instead of bullying me and criticizing me and laughing at me.

Sometimes I wish that YOU didn't take advantage of me in the way you did. I was innocent and lonely. I believed in kindness and love, but you chose to abuse my body and mind, making me believe I was unworthy and stupid, convincing me I didn't deserve love and all I would ever get was your dirty hands on me while I was still dreaming of the handsome Prince who would save me from my misery.

Sometimes I wish YOU understood that all that love which I had for you was a message I was sending to my parents. YOU were the parent's image, you noticed my tears and taught me lessons. You were not only my school teachers, but you also taught me about life and its hard experiences. You alerted them when you noticed something was wrong with me and they didn't even try to look at what was inside my hurting heart.

Sometimes I wish YOU were leaders of peace instead of being makers of war. You were supposed to help my country and ensure its peace giving security to its children, but instead of that and in order to achieve your own private interests, YOU ruined my life as well as the lives of all those innocents living there. You destroyed one of the most beautiful countries and made us live in fear and destruction.

Sometimes I wish I never met YOU. I gave YOU my all. I gave you my life, my past, my future. I gave you three beautiful children. I was ready for everything to keep YOU happy, to keep you by my side, to live as a happy family, but whatever I did was never enough. YOU abused me emotionally, sexually, economically, verbally and physically. You controlled me. You controlled my thoughts, my movements, my appearance and even what I ate. You tried to control my health by giving me permission to get sick and by deciding when I must feel better.

Sometimes I wish YOU were closer to me at that time. Yes, it's true I felt You abandoned me, because however I prayed and asked You to help me, You seemed so busy dealing with others. I felt my pain was not enough, God? I felt You knew I could handle more so You wanted to give me more?

Sometimes I wish YOU were more truthful when I gave you my trust. I asked for your help. I told you about my pain. I shared with you my hurt. I listened to you and helped you the best i could. I gave you true love and true friendship. I had to deal with increased abuse in order to keep our friendship alive, but YOU decided to leave and abandon me when I needed you most. You broke what was left of my bleeding heart.

Sometimes I wish YOU were closer to me. It hurts so much now that I have found YOU, I know I can't always be with you. I wish I had met YOU long ago before I feel so damaged and so sick. You would have brightened my days and my life. You would have made my days easier, but at least you are here now, and you are all working like a loving team, holding my hand and lifting me up whenever I'm down.

Sometimes I wish YOU could let me enjoy my freedom and safety. I wish YOU can stop calling me at all hours of the days and nights reminding me of all those years we have spent together. We had some beautiful times, or that's what I thought they were. You knew very well how hard it would be to realize I was living an unhealthy life. How was I to know when I was isolated from the whole world? How was I to know you were not treating me right when it's all I had, when you were the first and only one? I wish you would now leave me alone and let me catch my breath and find my smile. I wish you would let me have a full night's sleep and a happy dream once in a while?

Sometimes I wish that YOU will find me, see me, notice me. I have been waiting for you all my life, dreaming about you and sending you all my love. You have no name and I do not know what you look like, but I know you are there, living somewhere and I have been waiting for you. I hope we will meet one day before it is too late. I wish my dreams can come true and that i will be able to experience true love. I wish I can one day say that I know what true love is.

Sometimes i wish .......
Tonight ...
I wish I could stop wishing
and
Start LIVING instead.







69 comments:

  1. This is breathtaking. Your writing is beautiful. You paint a picture with your words. I can feel your longing through the screen, the love in your heart, the knowing in your mind, and the passion of your soul. I'll hold all of it and see you bloom and find your way, gather the love you have and grow stronger and wiser. And for once be seen, truly seen for who you are. Beautiful, amazing, and true.

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    1. Thank you so much Jodi. You always have the best encouraging words. You are making me stronger every single day :)
      Love you!!

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  2. Nikky, This is so beautiful and tender and heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know that you are going to become stronger. I know that you are going to find your path and find your way. Much love to you.

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    1. Tina, you're amazing!! Thank you so much!!!

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  3. Okay, Nikki, reigning in my tears . . . You have posted a most powerful, earth-shaking blog here. My world is rocked and changed . . .
    Why some go through trials, I cannot answer. Why we suffer, I cannot answer.
    But, in faith, I pursue. Because, one day without God is an eternity of bereavement.
    I pray, my dearest, that the light of the Lord of love will crescendo upon your heart with a symphony of grace. May your wishes for a better world, for you and your loved ones, all those that God desires, come true. And, may they bring blessings . . .
    Blessings and love, Nikki!

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    1. Martha, you always have wonderful comforting words to give me!! Thank you so much for your prayers!!Much love!!

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  4. Hey Nikki, this is such a beautiful post and the wishes are very touching...

    Why we have to undergo pain to understand the real meaning of life is something I have been unable to understand till now and I have been looking for answers even now.... I wish God did not do it this way...

    But as they say everything that happens happens for a reason and maybe one of the reasons was for us to meet... :)

    Praying for all your lovely wishes to come true... and hoping you always bask in love and care of your loved ones!

    Take care

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    1. I know Me that you are going through hard times too. Why these things happen? We don't really know, but I try to convince myself that the more you endure in life, the biggest is the reward later :)

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  5. Hi, Nikki! ~

    I'm hoping and praying that you're talking to yourself when you say this, because you won't get it from anybody else until you find it within:

    "Sometimes I wish that YOU will find me, see me, notice me. I have been waiting for you all my life, dreaming about you and sending you all my love. You have no name and I do not know what you look like, but I know you are there, living somewhere and I have been waiting for you. I hope we will meet one day before it is too late. I wish my dreams can come true and that i will be able to experience true love. I wish I can one day say that I know what true love is."

    Good Luck!

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    1. Thank you Linda!! Your comment made me think a lot, and you are so right!!. When I wrote that, i didn't know who I was talking to. Or let's say i was talking to the person who is in my thoughts since I was a child, my first best friend who is supposed to come and save me one day. My first best friend can only be "the little me".

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  6. Been worth the wait Nikky,
    Nicely pieced together.
    be good to yourself
    David

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    1. Thank you David!! You make me smile, as many times in the day, i remember you and think: as David says I must be good to myself.

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  7. Sending hugs your way Nikky :)

    Dr Linda Hamilton
    http://thanknest.com
    ** spread thanks - it's free **

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  8. Your words are beautiful Nikky, so many YOU around, some who hurt you and some who held your hand and never let it go.
    May you find peace Nikky, one day, may you been given a chance to smile again and live this life that should have been yours. Hold on there dear, love is just at the corner.

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    1. Thank you for your comment Marie!! If I haven't met the ones who have hurt me, I guess I wouldn't know how to appreciate the ones who are helping me now. That's why, I love them all and I'm grateful for all of them!!

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  9. And how I wish there was no pain and no hurt in this whole world.
    Such a heartfelt post Nikky.
    I am sure you are moving on in your life and making an attempt to live life the way you want to. Best wishes and lots of love.
    hugs.

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    1. I spent all my life wishing for love and peace in the world!! Unfortunately, things are different and I found out that there will always be people suffering. The best we can do is to be love <3

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  10. Such a beautiful post, so honest and true as always. Nikky, I've missed you--I think we all have--but the passion and art of your writing hasn't faded a bit. Hope your new life is getting better each day.

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    1. Thank you very much Lisa. I have missed you too. My first steps into freedom might be scary now, but I know it's worth the pain <3

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  11. You bloom brighter everyday, you do.

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    1. Brenda!!! Thank you!! i remember one of your comments you told me there must be a way out and at that time, I wasn't able to see it :)

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  12. sending you thoughts of peace and comfort!

    I 'wish' that the 'you', {'you'} search for is the 'you' {'you'} see when 'you' look in the mirror.

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    1. Thank you Amy!! I think I will learn to love myself one day. It has to happen :)

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  13. Like Linda and Amy, I wish that you would see the beauty and strength with yourself and know that only YOU can love you as you deserve to be loved, Nikky. Thank you for baring your soul here. Holding you in love and prayer.

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    1. Thank you very much Corinne!! Your love and prayers mean a lot to me. I am learning. I can now at least "see" that i am trying and fighting, that I'm not passive as i sometimes was.

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  14. Yes, Nikky, love yourself, but most of all, know that God loves you. He loved you enough to come to earth to die for you, yes YOU. That is REAL LOVE. No one on earth will ever love you as much as He loves you. I know it seems very hard to feel this love right now with all that you are experiencing. Still, that doesn't make it any less true. And the best part? One day, you will be with Him for all eternity, and he will wipe away every tear. You will be by his side forever. There is no greater truth than that one.

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    1. You are right Caroline. God loves me and has never abandoned me even if it feels that way sometimes. I have always felt His presence. I won't disappoint Him <3

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  15. Nikky. This is by far one of the most powerful and beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read! You have expressed yourself beautifully and from the heart. Maybe because I know what you have gone through I can see the strength you have. You are wishing for things you deserve and you will find them inside You! Spirit is with you all the way and I have no doubt your wishes will come true. And your team will be with You all the way because you deserve nothing less!

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    1. Stan, you are one of the most wonderful Gifts God has offered me. I have always wanted a brother. He sent me the perfect brother i needed!! Love you !!

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  16. How beautifully you've written this Nikky. And so many things I could relate to. But hard times help us grow mentally and spiritually. Blessings to you and may all your wishes and dreams come true.

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    1. Thank you so much Suzy!! I think that so many of us have gone through similar situations. We just need to learn from them!!

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  17. Nikky,
    This is an incredibly moving post more so because it is your very heart and soul. I think you have started the steps to find your wishes by sharing something so deep and personal. You know what you really want and I hope and pray for you to recognize you really do have the power to get beyond just wishing. You can't change the past but you can effect the future. Stay strong and allow yourself the right to fill your wishes.

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    1. Thank you very much Kathy!! We can't change the past, and I don't know if I would want to. That past made me who I am today, and I wouldn't want to be any different!!

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  18. There is only one person who can love you best, and that person is You! It is a gradual process, I believe you will make it.
    May your wish come true, Nikky.

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    1. Thank you Luchi. You are right. It's a long process, but I'm getting there!!

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  19. Nikki, your writing took my breath away, and I found myself saying a prayer as I read through your wishes. I hope that one day you will find what you are looking for with the guidance of God, into a healthy, loving relationship ♥♥♥

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    1. Prayers and Love are the two things that saved my life. Thank you so much Mary <3

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  20. Nikki, your writing is both beautiful and heart-wrenching. I hope you realize you have a gift with words.

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    1. That makes me smile Kelly as it surprises me. I didn't know i would write one day!!

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  21. ---Sometimes i wish .......
    Tonight ...
    I wish I could stop wishing
    and
    Start LIVING instead.---

    Powerful. Moving. Heartfelt. Breathtaking.

    Nikki, I think of you often. Love You. XXXxxxx

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    1. I love you too Kim. I wish I could meet you one day and give you a Huge Hug <3

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  22. Nikki,I can only say that you will heal and you will find yourself. Time and perseverance. Trusting yourself and learning to trust others. Great post and a great addition to our hop. thank you for sharing this, love and light to you. Know I have been there as have many others who will read this. <3

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    1. Thank you Jan!! Your life too wasn't an easy one. Pain is a very good teacher. We graduate experts in life :)

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  23. Nicole, dear friend ... you know I am one of your army ... welcome back to blogging, dear.
    Well written, paints clear pictures for the reader's mind ...
    Much love, Pat.

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    1. Pat, I love you!! Thank you for encouraging me to write this post <3

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  24. Simple beautiful Nikky!

    I've no words to express how you have touched all our hearts and souls with your beautiful words, and it seems you have borne a lot right through...

    Praying and hoping that all stays well with you. :)

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    1. Thank you Harleena. Your comments means a lot to me. I write from the heart. I guess that is what makes it real.

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  25. As always beautiful heartwarming and touches the very core of my heart. You are a true survivor. you have had to endure more than most. I am just so thankful you have finally got a chance to live and love without fear. I love you sooo much. You are an inspiration to everyone no matter where. You were born to love and be loved . Miss you love you.

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    1. I love you too Zee. You accompanied me since 2007. You have lived with me all the different phases. Thank you so much <3

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  26. Awwwwww Nikky thank you for sharing yourself.... thank you for writing again.... thank you for your honesty... it's true you have to find yourself before you find others.. something I also struggle with... but I have seen it possible......I am so glad I have met you... Love you... As always....XOXOXOXOXO

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    1. i am so glad I have met you too Bonnie. I can always feel your pain, and i feel very close even if we never met <3

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  27. Oh Nikky this was so touching. I just hope you find what you are looking for

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    1. Thank you so much Rimly! Everything will happen at the right time :)

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  28. Life is full of people and situations that will disappoint. Change is the only constant and people's affections, loyalties and locations will continue to change, oftentimes leaving us feeling discouraged, wounded and even full of grief. One way I have opened the door to the closets of skeletons from my past that haunted me for so long was to learn to not become attached to the fleeting factors that often define our existence and cling to the eternal.

    Great post...you express yourself really effectively.

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    1. Thank you Jessica. While writing this post, I realized that I have made a lot of progress in making peace with my past. It doesn't hurt as much when we face it.

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  29. This was powerful, Nikky. I wish so much happiness for you.

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  30. Replies
    1. I missed you too!! Its been long and I need to write again :)

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  31. Thank you Nikky for giving me a glimpse inside your sorrows,pain and hope. I pray you find that special person...he is out there. Have faith. Sending you love and light!

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    1. Thank you very much Nelieta. Since i wrote that post, I realized that I don't really need anyone and those I have now in my life are all i need. I have a family and friends, and I'm blessed. Thank you so much for being one of my friends!

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  33. a tear rolls down my cheek as I read your wish list and wonder why didn't I pay more attention, I've always loved you so much, as far as I can remember.... I realize to love is not enough. Even to care is not enough. I needed to pay more attention, to stop and read through your reassuring words and look beyond your smiles... Thank God my dreams came true and I now get to hold your hand, hug you, show you my love, share our joys and sorrows, walk with you through life, and celebrate every flower on our path... together. I love you and will ALWAYS be there for you! Thank you for opening up to me.

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    1. No need for tears... those times are over, and a new life began. Thank you for being so present in my new life. Love you

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  34. Thank you for sharing your wishes with us Nikky. I understand you and come to know you more through what you write...

    Love is here... right now...

    lots of love and prayers of healing and peace to you :* Hugging you :*

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    1. You're so right Melissa. Love is here, now. I could feel it in each comment. I am so lucky I have found a second family in the blogger's world :)

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  35. Nikky you are gifted
    you know how to chose words that affect others
    impressive

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