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Friday, June 15, 2012

Sisterhood Award: A smile in the dark

After all the progress I have done since last summer, and mainly since I started this Blog, I didn't think I would feel again as down, angry and depressed as I am today. It all started last week-end, and has been going worse day after day. I wonder why it feels sometimes like everything is going wrong? Why I seem some days to only attract negativity?
  • Life at home was simply "hell' this week. 
  • I faced two very big problems at work
  • My eldest daughter didn't do well in her official exams. I'm not surprised as she was under so much stress and pressure with all the aggressiveness and violence at home during her exams time.
  • Physical pain has been horrible, and all the pain killers I was taking didn't help at all.
  • This month, last year, was a very bad one and a turning point in my life. The 19th of June is a date I will never forget.
  • I took the biggest decision in my life, but I'm still not able to work on making it happen
For all these different reasons, I ignored my Blog, and lost interest in writing and reading. What has encouraged me to write a post tonight is just to express my gratitude to Erin who has nominated me for a new award. 
I'm taking this opportunity to thank you all for your support and understanding and to apologize for not being able to concentrate enough to read your lovely posts. I will be back as soon as I can.


I am really thankful to Erin from bellableuehealing for this Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

I can't remember how I first landed on Erin's Blogging space, but I clearly  remember the big influence Erin's words had on me. Her posts are very powerful and her words go straight to the heart.
What makes my visit to bellableuehealing very special is that I feel "home". The subjects treated, the positive energy I feel, the love sharing make it a very special space where I feel comfortable. The sisterhood award means a lot to me because Erin treats me as a sister, asking about me, caring and loving.

And these are the rules of the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award;
  • Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog.
  • Share the love and link the person who nominated you.
  • Tell 7 facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 7 other fabulous bloggers.
  • Link your nominees to this post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.
I'm supposed now to tell you 7 facts about myself. Since I am honestly not able yet to think about anything interesting to tell, I choose to tell you 7 symptoms that always indicate I'm going through one phase of severe depression in my usual chronic depression:

  1. I can't stand any kind of physical contact with anyone, not even a hug from my children
  2. Noise and movement around me become triggers of big anger and extreme irritability
  3. I withdraw from everything: I stop answering phone calls, text messages, emails or any form of contact with others. I always appear offline as I'm unable to have a conversation with anyone.
  4. I stop listening to music as I become too emotional;  I stop talking and start to communicate by writing  even with the people around me in the same room.
  5. I get very easily overwhelmed, and feel so guilty about everything. I am now so angry at myself for not going through the blogs I love reading and all the email notifications I have.
  6. I feel I need help and try to ask for it, but once it is offered, I don't take it because I don't feel I deserve it, I don't feel I'm worth it.  I'm afraid to show how bad things are, and to let anyone see "me" behind the mask.
  7. I lose interest in everything including eating, sleeping, breathing...
Through all that , I still look at my first best friend in the mirror and tell her: " don't worry, hold my hand, walk with me, and I'll take you out of there....( I wonder why I feel I don't really believe "me"?)!

There are so many Blogs I want to mention, but the number is always limited. I have to nominate 7 blogs I love. I will try to choose ones  that I didn't get the chance to mention in my previous posts:
  1. I stop for suffering , Meg
  2. Aha-Now, Harleena Singh
  3. Keeping Time, Emily
  4. Every Day Gyaan, Corinne Rodrigues
  5. Adverseuniverse, Roxy
  6. Going A-Musing, Vidya Sury
  7. 10 steps to finding Your happy Place Galen Pearl


Thank you again for your patience. Although it seems very dark today, I know things will get better. It did before, and it will this time too.


Much love to each and everyone of you <3


76 comments:

  1. Nikky, you deserve every bit of help and encouragement that flows your way. As bad a week as you have had, it took great courage and resolve to post this.
    Know you are in my prayers for healing and for peace of mind and heart. You are loved, my dear, and love is what you deserve.
    Blessings always,
    Martha

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    1. Thank you very much Martha <3
      Last week was very bad, and this one has been worse, but your prayers are being answered as I know things will get better. Much love <3

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  2. Dear Nikky, Pleas don't apologize. Taking care of yourself is most important. I always look forward to your posts, but please know that even if you don't post, I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

    Congratulations on your award! You deserve it! And thank you for giving me more blogs to check out!

    I hope the darkness lifts soon. Things will get better. Hold on to that hope, and I will hold on to it, also, for you.

    Much love,
    Tina

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    1. Thank you so much Tina. I miss writing and i miss reading your blog. I have been trying all this week, but I didn't manage to do much. There is hope, always, and all I'm hoping for will one day come true. Love you <3

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  3. Nikky, Congratulations on the Sisterhood Award!!! You certainly do deserve it! Your light and your love shine through no matter what you write! I want you to start believing your 1st best friend in the mirror! Everyone who reads your blogs and especially those that comment know that you have the strength and resolve to hold that hand and the hands of all that love you to help take you out of this dark place. You are loved. Let the light show you the way and I am with you every step of the way! <3

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    1. Love you Stan <3 Thank you for being the amazing person you are <3

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  4. I'm sorry that you are in a dark place right now Nikki, I wish I could reach out and hug you even though you dont want to be "touched" I'd force-hug you.
    You totally deserve any award you get, and I thank you for nominating me. You have been so encouraging of me, and I absolutely adore your blog.
    I wish this *hug* was real.
    Roxy xx

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    1. I SO wish the hug you sent was real Roxy. I need it.
      Thank you so much for your support and very kind words. Much love <3

      Delete
  5. Nikky, Firstly congratulations for winning the award.

    It saddens me to read all that you are going through with now and more so helpless as I cannot do anything except pray and send my wishes to you. Please take care of yourself....Will be waiting for you to be back soon with your usual beautiful and heart touching posts.

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    1. Prayers and Love are exactly what I need. Thank you so much. I miss connecting with all of you. I hope I will be back soon <3

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  6. You will make it through Nikky.

    Congratulations for this wonderful award and to everybody else who were nominated :) You deserve all the love in this world :*

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    1. Thank you very much Melissa. Much love to you <3

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  7. Nikky, I constantly admire your spirit and determination and how you reach out to others despite all your pain. ♥ Thank you for the award - I'm deeply honored.

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    1. Thank you very much Corinne. All my strength comes from the love I am getting from all of you. Much love <3

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  8. (( Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. ))

    When you do, my dear, I know I can breathe, too.

    Love Love Love. Always. Xxx

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    1. we will meet Kim one day, and we will breathe and smile <3

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  9. Congratulations on your award, Nikky and know that I am thinking of you and sending hugs across the sea. I am sorry I haven't been around (the blogosphere) lately, but I want you to know I am here now and listening. If you need to take a break to care for yourself, that is a good thing to do. Your followers love you and will be here. If it makes you feel more isolated though, I can't help worry. I wish you all the beautiful things you deserve ... especially an end to the violence.

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    1. Thank you for your very kind support Lisa. I know that the break I am taking from the Blog is not a "healthy" break, so I am making as much effort as I can to be back. It's just that I isolate myself because I am afraid of hurting others. Much love

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  10. So sorry you're having such a hard time. It's a wonder you write so lucidly and sensitively. Take care Nikki. Congrats on your award. Hopefully, life will award (reward) you too.

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    1. Thank you Myrna. I just write what's in my heart <3 Much love <3

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  11. Nikky, Again, my heart goes out to you. {{{ Hugs }}} One thing, Nikky, and that is, we all usually do remember dates - important mile stones in our lives, important decisions and moments when BIG changes happened. If that change, trust me, it might have, if that change has brought into your life, even the most little semblance of 'better' or positivity, then these moments must be worth celebrating, and not being remembered as some big pain-causing day. Remember all such days as the days of your 'liberation', dear. We all have in our lives, at some point of time, broken free, either of people or of our own bondages. And these moments are very very important.
    Every time you feel low, I suggest, you write 1 to 10, things in your life that you are thankful for. It might even be a fresh rose placed on the table on which you are sitting and writing it out. It might be a dress you always craved for, and finally bought. It might be a friend like Erin, who has nominated you with such a lovely deserving award, it might be the same kids, you come back and hug you, even when you ignored the same hugs while in depression.
    And this will make you feel grateful and better.. and perhaps you will be able to deal with your negative feelings in a much better way.
    Take care of yourself.

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    1. You are so right Punam!!
      In fact i never regret anything that has happened in my life. Everything had a purpose, everything had a positive outcome.
      I never tried to write down the things I am grateful for, but I am always thankful for everything in my life, the good and the bad. Much love <3

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  12. Hi, Nikky! ~

    I hope, and suspect, you feel some level of healing and empowerment as the result of forcing yourself to write a little something...

    Your list of 7 symptoms indicating you are depressed shows a certain aptitude for personal reflection which is a useful tool that will help you move in a positive direction, even if it's baby steps.

    I wonder if you'd ever try flipping one or two of those symptoms to the opposite side to move you in the opposite emotional direction?

    For example, offer a hug to someone else who needs it, even though you don't want to be touched. Or put some music on, even though you don't want to, and maybe even try dancing with your kids...? I have been surprised by the positive results of such actions in my own life under similar circumstances.

    In case you'd consider trying something new, here is a link to my post '10 Things That Make Me Happy' http://www.dangerouslinda.com/?p=414

    Holding you in my heart -- Good Luck!!!

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    1. Thank you so much Linda for your help and love <3 <3 <3
      I tried two of the things you mentioned. I forced myself to listen to music, making the music louder than the negative thoughts coming to my mind, and I made the effort to get close to my children (not able yet to hug them), but I'm doing better.
      I really appreciate your help. Thanks again. Much love <3

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  13. I have been where you are; like Linda said; what I did was turn things backwards. getting myself out of the comfort zone and finding a new one. I hug now, something I was never comfortable with no matter the mood. Now I couldn't live with out them. You will with your determination conquer the depression and the pain. Hoping to see you smile...:)

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    1. I'm so happy Jan you are feeling better now. It's not a nice place to be at when we're in the dark. when I feel OK, I can give a hug, but never receive one :(

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  14. Fear is paralyzing...

    "I wonder why I feel I don't really believe "me"?)!" Because you don't!

    Feelings are not facts...they are a reflection. Our filter... the way we process... the way we see our here and now... all of that gets out of whack! I feel up one minute with a can do attitude and the the next I'm in the fetal position.

    I hope that you will find someone that has been where you are right now, and counsel with that person.

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    1. Thank you very much Amy <3 I hope you are fine <3
      My feelings now are so confused and I'm so unsure about what to do, but I know there will be a solution soon <3 Much love <3

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  15. hang in there nicole! take it one day at a time! hugs & love! missy

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    1. Thank you Missy <3 Yes, one day at a time, one minute at a time. Love you <3

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  16. As we say in the South, bless your sweet heart. I can feel the effort it took to write something. Thank you for your honest sharing. And thank you for nominating me for the award. I really appreciate it. We are definitely a sisterhood of the world! Hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

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    1. Thank you so much Galen for your support and sweet words <3 Much love to you <3

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  17. I wish I could help out Nikky,

    My heart just dreads to think what all you would be undergoing, though knowing you for as long as I do, I know you will make it sooner or later - because you are a fighter.

    I know there must be days when things turn negative all around, but this happens with all of us too. Guess at those times it's best to go within and seek solace and be grateful that you are still alive and gain the strength from Almighty, who is always with you.

    Don't worry about your kids also, because even though they haven't done well in their exams, they are learning a greater lesson in life, which would help them later.

    Congratulations for this wonderful award, which adds another feather in your cap as you so well deserve it. And thanks so much for passing it onto me - I am indeed honored and humbled. :)

    Thanks for sharing a little more about yourself with all of us. :)

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    1. Thank you very much Harleena. You are right that my children are learning a very important lesson.
      I'm still alive, surviving and will keep going for as long as i can. Much love <3

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  18. Congratulations Nikky!

    Take care. I know that you are strong; you'll get back on your feet sooner than you think. )

    Warm Wishes
    ~ Ben

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    1. Thank you Ben. I know you're right although it's sometimes hard to believe I will make it <3

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    2. You will make it. Trust me. Trust yourself. )

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  19. Nikky, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. I become introverted when I'm depressed. I once had a miscarriage and I withdrew from everything and everyone. It was devastating to me. It took a lot to pull me through the loss of my baby. Now I have my beautiful daughter and I know she is the baby I was meant to have. It still hurts to think of the pain I went through at the time, but I can put it into perspective now. Still, I shut myself off from my family when it happened. I didn't want to do anything at all, and I didn't for a week. I didn't even go to work. I called out every day. I couldn't face anyone. I always say my daughter saved me. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was elated, and I knew I couldn't be by myself anymore. She was with me. She gave me my life back. I'll always be grateful to her for that. Even now, when I get upset, I hug her. She's only five and can't really offer me advice about a lot of things, but just her presence gives me strength.

    I hope you find something that allows you to pull through times like this. <3

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    1. Thank you so much Kelly for sharing with me your private experience. It's a very sad and painful experience. It brings self doubt, you start wondering what did you do wrong to lose the baby? Are you not good enough to have him? etc.. I know how bad it feels, and I'm so glad you managed through it well. Your daughter is now a gift, a treasure you have.All the problems I have been facing all these years were kind of obstacles between me and my children. I think somewhere inside their hearts, they are blaming me for this life we have at home, and in my heart I might be blaming them because if I'm still alive, it's for them.
      Thank you Kelly for your support. Love you <3

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  20. Dearest Nikky,

    I am so sorry you're going through tough times. I want you to know I am here, as your friend. I understand. I wish I could help in some way.

    I am glad you're looking at your "best friend" - just believe in her :-)

    Congratulations on your Award - you deserve it! Thank you so much for nominating me - :-) I appreciate it very much.

    Apologies for the late comment - I was away and only just got back!

    Love and hugs, Vidya

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    1. Don't worry Vidya for the late comment, i am so late to reply to the comments, but I didn't have the energy nor the possibility to do it earlier. Thank you very much for passing by and commenting. Much love to you <3

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  21. Patgricia EastwoodJune 20, 2012 at 8:58 AM

    I saw this post before you posted it, Nicole, as you know ... and I forgot to come and comment on it ... however, everything happens for a reason ... and I can confirm that you have been in a very difficult place ... comes from being married to a sociopath.
    However, I can also see the difference in you now, as compared to a few days ago ... and you are beginning to return to the Nikky we all know and love so well ...
    Keep up the good work, dear ... you are worth far more then HE tells you.
    Much love from Pat. XXXXXX

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    1. you wrote that Pat before the last episode that was yesterday night and today. I miss Nikky too. I need her strength to help me go on in my plans.I feel that Nikky is a strong survivor, the fighter, but what I am now? not the same
      LOVE YOU PAT <3

      Delete
  22. At times (at such times) i blindly follow what i think

    If you think you can do it or you cannot your are usually right
    -Henry Ford

    Wish you get all the support you need to get over it ..it'll pass thro

    nicely written

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    1. Thank you very much Logic for your support! I love the quote , so true!!

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  23. Nikky, I'm so sorry that you are going through a difficult time now. You are in my prayers and thoughts. Hang in there, friend. It's always darkest before dawn. Congratulations on your award! I'm glad little things like this serve to remind you that you are appreciated by your readers! :)

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    1. Thank you very much Bella!!! I really love to see you here.
      I'm so sorry I have skipped the latest posts, but I am really no able to write anything. Love you <3

      Delete
  24. Find one thing every day that brings you joy, even if it's the sunrise or a blooming flower, the smile from a child or a fond memory, focus on that until your joy returns to your heart.

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    1. Thank you Brenda so much. I'm trying to only focus on what is nice and ignore the rest. It does help. Much love to you <3

      Delete
  25. Haha! Here we are! Very popular blog!

    Nikky, I'm awarding you with the Tell Me About Yourself Award! That's another award going viral. Bev over at Black Ink Paperie has the jpeg image, however I'm awarding you with this award because I truly want to know 7 things about you.

    & Congratulations! ~ Your friend over at OEBooks. (Rhonda)

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    1. Thank you Rhonda for visiting and commenting. It's so kind of you to nominate me for the award. I really appreciate that. I will write a post with 7 New things about myself as soon as I feel able to write again. <3

      Delete
  26. Nikky I really have to apologize. I typed up my post late last night, selecting friends who've been to my blog to award, however without reading your entire post. I would still love to hear 7 new things about you, but would like it better if you know my thoughts are with you. Much love to you.

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    1. No worries Rhonda <3 <3 <3
      Thank you very much for your very kind words and thoughts. That helps a lot, honestly. Much love to you too and have a nice week end!

      Delete
  27. Hello, Nikky! Thank you for writing this day and for just being around, makes a lot of difference to many people ;)

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    1. Thank you very much Joyce! Have a nice week end!

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  28. first time popping by....wishing you a beautiful weekend....and all the tough stuff you've been feeling...to completely dissolve away.

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    1. thank you so much Sarah for your visit and kind words. I hope you had a nice week end too <3

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  29. Dropped in first time..wonderful read......Keep writing:) Well m saranya iyer from mumbai ....you can visit my blog too....http://poemsshortstories.blogspot.in/...Thanks :)

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    1. welcome to my blog Saranya. I will go and check your blog now. Thank you for your kind words <3

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  30. Oh, new friend Nikky... Thank you for dropping by Hooked and leaving the bread crumb trail to lead me back here to meet you. My throat is tight with gratitude and admiration for your courage, strength, and beauty. I know very well the "seven symptoms" of which you speak - so many of us do, and although they may feel like a most private shame, you're never alone. I hope you hear the love and concern in this string of comments, the number of sisters (and brothers) who are standing behind you. I hope you allow yourself to hear what your community here is telling you... You deserve a safe, peaceful, soul-nourishing life. Please keep writing, and be well, my friend.

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    1. Thank you so much Tele. Your reply really touched me. i don't know if you went through my previous posts, but it's like you know me already. Thanks again. much love <3

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  31. I hope you find joy again Nikky. Love and prayers!
    Believing this video will make you smile, at least for the moment;-)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8SD9baVPKw

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    1. Thank you so much Debra <3
      I will check the video now. Much love <3

      Delete
  32. Sometime I don't have words Nikky, just knowing you are in such a pain hurts me. But it takes a lot of courage to write these lines, to wake up and continue on the road. So stay strong, you are in my prayers my dear, always. Prends soin de toi Nikky.

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    1. Merci beaucoup Marie <3
      J'ai vraiment besoin de tes prieres, particulierement aujourd'hui <3

      Delete
  33. Just sending you an extra smile and an extra hug. Thinking of you and hope all is OK.

    <3

    Lisa

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    1. Thank you very much Lisa <3 That means a lot to me. Much love <3

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    2. Dear Posted Part 5 ----You can have a look...Thanks dearie

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  34. Sending love and prayers your way! It's a NEW day!!! Happy JULY!

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  35. I know it's difficult and I'm late in responding, mind you, but you need to have a outlet. Maybe writing is just the thing. Life is so difficult when there's so little to look forward to. I wish there was some way to help you. You deserve so much more than this.

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  36. I'm sending you lots of love. XO

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