I think I have reached during the last two days, the lowest point I ever been to. It is easy to think and pretend that his words are no longer hurting me, but how true is that? Are there no limits to what someone can handle?
The verbal abuse, the emotional torture, the physical inflicted pain, how can my strength prevent me from feeling them going deep, so deep in my heart and just put me on my knees and wish for the end?
I have ruined his life. I followed him like a virus till I took control over him with my stupid ruse. I cried on his shoulder about being abused from such a young age. I made him believe my lies. I fooled him over 23 long years making him look stupid. I made myself a victim of my family and society, and he was so good, so pure, so kind that he believed me. I made him think I have opened up to him to awaken his pity and love and as a professional liar I created proofs for what I was telling .....
He tells me in front of the kids, he swears on the kids' lives, next time he needs to beat me, he won't stop until I die (with my ten year old sitting as close to my side as she can to protect me, my son on the floor at my feet, creating a barrier and my eldest shouting at him to STOP), he reminds me that he broke my laptop over my head (causing me damage which I still suffer from one year later) He shouts that he has every intention of using my old computer, next time ... and he will kill me and it will all be my own fault ... he swears on the kids' lives that this will be so.
I can go on and repeat the things I listen to everyday, but what for? Why Bother?
When I look back at the many events of the past that have certainly caused a big damage in me, and I try to think of them, write about them, I know that it is over. I know that they were just lessons I needed to go through in order to learn and become a better person. I have no regrets. I have no hatred. I don't even feel the pain that was inflicted to me in the past. The pain I feel is related to now, to today, to this very moment, now. What hurts is the impact of that trauma on my life now and his use of it in the present.
In my previous post, I was telling you about some of that sexual abuse, and I said that I forgave. I did forgive, telling about it does not hurt anymore. In fact I don't need to tell about it. I don't feel I have to, as it really belongs to the past, but what is hurting me is the "use" which he makes of that past. What is hurting me is how the truth has been changed into a completely new story where I become the aggressor.
"I saved your honor by marrying you. You're just a whore who was active when other girls were still playing with their dolls. I bet you miss him, or miss them. Are they all better than me? who was the best among them? Go to them. Go and have fun with them, you certainly feel like it. You want it because it's in you. They are in you. I saved your honor. How stupid was I? You're just a useless whore. I never loved you but I felt pity. I had pity for you. You are stealing my money. You are hiding your truth by giving the image of the good spouse"
I don't know how to define the way I am feeling. I have no words for that. i don't know what kind of help I can ask for. I know that I am empty, lost and confused. In the worst moment yesterday and as I was unable to even talk about what happened, I spent many hours of "silence" online with my friend. I felt her presence, she at her laptop, sending love to me. I wasn't alone. I knew it helped, because, when I started to feel the physical pain. I was back to life.
I started by saying I have reached the lowest point I ever been to. For those who have known me long enough, you might think 'it's not possible since you're still here whereas in the past you gave up'. Yes, I am still here and I will stay. In the past I was alone. Today your love, all of you, is carrying me away from the pain.