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Sunday, April 1, 2012

April's fool day!


April 1st is the only day we're allowed to tell lies. That was one of the most important days for us when we were kids. I have no idea how important it is in other countries, but people wait for it here, maybe to continue telling their lies, but being guilt free.
I wanted to be like everyone else and be able to tell lies and have a good laugh with others about it, but that was "mission impossible" as I would directly blush, shake, look at the ground, and get confused, so I was directly identified.
The most hurtful things one can accuse me of are: liar and selfish. I don't know why I can handle other accusations better than those two. I don't lie, but for some reason, when I am accused of being a liar, I start doubting myself and I really get confused about the truth and whether it happened or not.
I am called and accused to be a liar on a daily basis at home.


I joined in 2007 a website for depression, and members were encouraged to share their story, their diary, and get support from other members. It's on that site that I found my first online friends, and it's on that site too that I was openly accused to be a liar, with direct emails, and public posts of other members. That happened on the 29th of September 2007.
For some reason I still ignore, my best friends on the site suddenly decided I was fake, and have never been depressed and never went through anything bad all my life. Sharing on that site was my very first attempt to open up and talk about myself, and it was the last until July this year.


Now that I am learning again to open up and ask for help, the first question that keeps coming to my mind, and that I do sometimes ask is :do you believe me? I also have tendency to directly produce proofs I might have like medical reports, hospital bills, emails etc...Does that mean I still didn't let go of that past incident? How to explain the need of justifying my says to others?

I don't really need to understand why do people lie, as It's not really my problem, it is theirs, but what hurts me is why can't they believe me when I am saying the truth. The closest people to me prefer not to believe me rather than see the truth. Are they trying to avoid being hurt? Is it easier for them to think I am creating stories?
I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I find myself wondering why this is such a delicate issue for me. At the age of six when the I was first abused, I was already scared to tell anyone as I was sure no one would believe me. There must be a reason.
April's fool day :)

I only succeeded once. I was 22 years old. I called 3 guys, members of the choir I was part of, and gave the 3 of them an appointment at the same time same place, mentioning it was an emergency, but that NO ONE else must know about our meeting. I went to the place agreed on, and waited in my car where I could watch them secretly. The three friends were there waiting for me, and each one was trying to encourage the others to leave before I get there. I still laugh at that memory. It might seem very silly, but for me, it was a real success, as for once, I did lie and enjoyed it.

31 comments:

  1. You are a beautiful person and have nothing to defend nothing at all. When people accuse you of being a liar, or anything else for that matter it is just how they feel about themselves. I like the " Always tell the truth and you never have to remember what you said" I love you, you are special..........

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    1. Thank you Manda!!!!
      Thank you for your constant support! I love the quote you mentioned, and I totally agree. I also tell my children that. Telling the truth can sometimes bring you into troubles, but you will certainly be in a much bigger trouble by lying, so the choice is easy.

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  2. That day is still very fresh in my memory also. I remember how devastated you were and how long it took you to recover if you ever did because it sounds like that time still bothers you. Nikki you are a lot of things but a liar is not one of them You are the most geniune honest person I have met in a long long long time. I know how you felt i had it done to me but not quite so openly. They are a part of your past leave them there. They not in your life anymore and rightly so. And now recently the other thing with the person who just shunned you no reason just decided you did not exist. That shocked me as much still cant beleive it. bottom line Nicole from the day I met you until today you have been th emost honest person I have had the privildge to meet and become friends with . My sister from another mother. I watch you all the time and I am so happy to see that even in the time of sadness you have become strong. and you will get stronger all the time. I love you sooo much my friend and even if we do not chat everyday like we used to i still think of you 24/7 love you always.

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    1. You have been a very strong support to me Zee on that site before the incident and after it. You were always there to protect me and make sure no one can hurt me there again.
      You are right that i still didn't recover from the incident although I forgave since day one. I even sent emails, e cards, and many messages to apologize if I did wrong and to also say I forgave. Some responded, others didn't, but I have learned a lesson. Thank you Zee :)

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  3. Patricia EastwoodApril 1, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    Nicole ... You, my friend, are a person who has always been strongly in touch with your Spiritual side ... you try to walk as Spirit would ... falsehoods are not within their lexicon, therefore not within yours. This is beautifully written and paints very clear pictures for your readers. Thank you for being you. Pat.

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    1. And thank you for being with me Pat and not only believing in me, but also teaching me how to believe in myself. You held my hand in July 2011, and helped me out of that big dark hole I fell into. I want to be good. I want to be a person who has nothing to be ashamed of, who can hold her head high and say I did my best.

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  4. Nikky, I am so sorry you had that experience where people called you a liar. That is about them, though, not you. You know you are not a liar, and that is all that is important.

    You write honestly from your heart, and that is a beautiful thing.

    You say the people closest to you choose not to believe you. Again, it's about them, not you. I've experienced that too. I think sometimes people don't want to believe something bad is happening, but then it would alter THERIR world.

    Take care!

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    1. You are absolutely right Tina. It hurts them to see what i am going through, so they decide not to see the truth. I would however prefer if they just chose to close their eyes instead of believing the false part of the story.
      This is not hurting much now as I have finally found true friends who trust me.
      Thank you very much Tina for being one of them.

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  5. NIkky, We create a reality by what we say, they accused you because they were afraid. Creating and sustaining a world for themselves where they should be afraid since they are a victim- they cannot trust people, people lie. This was not about you, you see? I see you as completely open and honest!

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    1. Thank you Jodi for "reading between the lines" here too, and answering my question. I often wonder and get anxious about if you (and all my friends) believe me. I am always anxious about disappointing you. Sometimes i prefer to keep things to myself out of fear that others might think I am lying.

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  6. You are one of the most honest, sincere and caring women ive ever known , sorry that people have doubted you , they should be ashamed. Hold your head high and try to forget

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  7. Nikky, your openness and honesty is one of the things I admire most about you, not to mention your bravery. I never thought before about the fact that "lying," be it exaggeration, sarcasm, or irony for the sake of a joke, is a luxury not to be taken for granted.

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    1. I love to tell jokes and i sometimes lie for the sake of a joke, but it just last few seconds, and i directly say joking joking, please i'm sorry i'm joking. I'm really traumatized from that

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  8. Lying is not good.. so you are definitely on the right track, Nikki. End of day.. you are only answerable to ur own self. That's all. Listen to the world and the world will confuse you.
    As long as your heart knows of the truth, you must not let others' words affect you.. or confuse you..

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    1. Exactly, and I am learning that. The thing is that those same persons were the ones who first encouraged me to open up. I had NEVER done it before not even when locked in hospital with my therapist to force me to talk, so it was a real tough experience.

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    2. Nikky, when you are sharing anything with anyone, just always remember what to expect - there will be judgments and there will be advises.. infact, a whole lot of it. But also know that these people are not advising you what they would do in such a situation - they are advising you what you should do.. which means they are talking as spectators and not as the ones suffering. So, open your heart only to the one who deserves, and knows when you are asking for direction, and when you are only sharing.
      Definitely, do NOT and NEVER justify yourself with proofs and all.. why should you? Each one of us deserves to be trusted, unless we do something untrustworthy. Love yourself and respect yourself and be sure to open your heart only to those who deserve.
      Take care !!!

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  9. I with you, Nikky, I never understood the reason to lie. It's complicated and easy to get tripped up. I understand getting the facts blurred over time, but to lie, don't get it. I am not an open-upper kind of person, meaning when I am down or struggling with something I don't generally turn to someone and say, hey... I write about things (clearly) but by the time it gets written or published as a blog posting I am long over whatever it was that was bother me. Having said that.. when a friend opens up to me I am very respectful because I know how hard it is hard to share your inner fears and concerns with people, even close friends. The very last thing on my mind is doubt. It would never cross my mind. I know I am not the one to solve their issue. Mostly what someone wants/needs is to listened to and to be there.. as friends do for one another. Don't give up on people - some are not so great, but there are others, who are, frankly, amazing. Hugs.

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    1. You are absolutely right Brenda. I am finding support from you all my blogger friends and online friends more than I ever got from anyone in my life. Writing is apparently the best therapy. It is helping me so much.
      i always chose to believe others whatever they are telling me, and never give myself the permission to doubt any of their sayings. I totally agree with you.

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  10. Nikky,
    I hear the pain in your words. It's not easy being accused of that which we are not guilty of. Usually, our first instinct is to defend self, but what I'm learning is that the truth always wins. I'm also learning the merit of not responding to accusations. When we refuse to respond or react, we are refusing to add energy to something that is not of Spirit.
    I encourage you to stand in your beauty and stay true to yourself.

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    1. Thank you Brenda!!! Your words made me smile. I have always been the person who defend myself and then give up by admitting the lies as truth just not to lose the people in my life. I was untrue to myself in order to please others, but NO MORE!
      Thank you.

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  11. Nikki,
    it doesn't matter a damn if people believe you...

    you keep telling your TRUTH.

    Never Stop.

    I believe you. Xxx And I believe in you.

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    1. Thank you so much Kim. It can seem silly, but it is really important to me to know that you and my other friends here believe me. It is already a huge effort to tell about it.
      Your support means a lot to me. Thank you

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  12. Nikky, I don't understand why they decided not to believe you. What right do they have to challenge your personal story, your beliefs? We are here, as bloggers, to listen, to read and support each other.If we took that stance, we'd have no reason to believe any of what any of us say here in the blogosphere. If you're a liar then we all are. But we know better, and we have faith in each other and what we're sharing. So, good riddance, Nikky. Sounds like it was time to move on.

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    1. Thank you so much Monica. Some people when living in a different context find it very hard to believe that things happen differently elsewhere. They found it very hard to believe one person could have had that much trauma in her life.Most of all, it's hard to accept the fact that i am stuck in an abusive relationship and have no way out

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    2. I hope some day, you find the strength to get unstuck. You have a beautiful light inside you and deserve to live your best life.

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    3. Thank you so much Monica :)

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  13. Nikky...I'm glad you have decided to speak out again...it's a big step towards breaking free. ♥

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    1. I am also glad I did Corinne, because this has allowed me to meet true friends who care, and this has also encouraged me to read more and introduce myself in the great bloggers community.

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  14. I love your openness and honesty...coming from the background i have .. I often fear not being believed..I was molded that way by my abusers...my blog is there because I am tired of being quiet..I am tired of keeping the secret.. I don't care if anyone believes it I just know I do ...and I'm gonna keep talking.. thank you for always encouraging me on my blog ..it means so much.. I believe we have connected through words .....I am so happy to have connected...As always...XOXOXOXOX

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    1. Thank you so much for your support. yes we did connect, I recognize a lot of my pain in your words and Through your posts I am getting to know you better. You can also know me better by reading my posts. Stay strong, I believe you and you must be so proud to be able to tell your story. Much love

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