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Saturday, March 10, 2012

A letter to my Grandmother

Dear Teta Ida,
One Sunday, over 30 years ago, you told me something important.
You did not say a word … you just looked deeply into my thirteen year old eyes.
I understood every wordless word of that look, Teta.
You said it was now time.
You told me I would not see you alive again.
You told me you would be happy to go.
You gave me your undying love and support for the rest of my life.
You gifted me your clairvoyance, clairaudience and clairsentience.

I refused to go and see you until the 10th of March.
Papa came into our bedroom and asked my two sisters and I to pay attention because he had some bad news to tell us. Sitting beside me on the bed, He told us what I already knew …
“Teta Ida is now in Paradise; Nicole, be strong for your mum”
Without looking at me, he left the room and I heard him asking my cousin to look after me as I was expected to break down, then I heard my cousin telling my sisters to keep me company.
No one knew I had already said Goodbye to you, Teta.
I felt embarrassed about not bursting into tears, as they were all expecting, so I locked myself in the bathroom where I smiled and thought “ Teta, now that you are free, you will never abandon me again, you are my Guardian Angel”.

I didn’t sleep that night because, yes, I was sad in in pain, but my sadness wasn’t because of your loss. I was sad for Mami, my mother, and wondering how to explain to her that it’s better now, that you are happier where you are? I needed to hug her and explain to her, but you know how she was, don’t you? She never showed affection to anyone, although I am sure that she loved us all.
Teta, you accompanied me all those years, you gave me messages to deliver to everyone in the family. You asked me to take care of Jeddo (my grand father), and I did until the end. Taking care of him became my priority, and you said you were proud of me. You helped me every single day and never refused to give me a hand or advice, until that day, nine years later, the day I disappointed you, and decided I didn't deserve to have you in my life.
Since that day, the 10th of March became the most horrible in the whole year. I didn't lose you at 13, I lost you at 22. I suffered in silence, I struggled every single day. You tried to call me, but I was ashamed to answer. I was guilty and hated myself and my life.
I felt lonely, I WAS lonely.
Every year on the 10th of March, I planned to go to you to ask for forgiveness, I asked God and begged him to take me. When he didn't listen, I tried to do it myself, and felt worse thinking I was TOO bad to deserve to die.
Twenty years later, Teta, I have learned.
To open up.
To trust.
To receive.
To love, once more.
This year, Teta, you came back into my life.
Welcome home.

35 comments:

  1. Nikki ... THIS is a wonderful post ... it paints a good, strong picture of one woman's journey through life towards maturity.

    I, too, say "Welcome Home, Teta"

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    1. Thank you Pat. Without you, I wouldn't be here now. You helped me find Teta. You told me she forgave me. You made me believe, she was always there waiting for me. Thank you for helping me yesterday. I love you <3

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    2. THAT was ALL Teta, dear Nikky ... I was merely her mouthpiece for a little while, as I allowed her to channel through me.
      Much love, dear. Pat.

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  2. This is so beautiful. I don't know a whole lot about your journey but I can feel that you have been through such a tremendous amount of tough times.
    I'm glad that you're letting her back in.
    And welcome back to you too.

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    1. Thank you very much Kimberly. It was a very difficult journey, and still is. Things might even be getting worse, but now I am different, and ready to fight again for my life. Thank you <3

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  3. Nikki, your Teta sounds like an amazing woman. I'm getting the impression that during her life, she was there for you more so than your mother, and played a powerful role in your life. How nice that you were able to say your goodbyes and care for your grandfather as she wished. I especially loved your ending, finding renewed inner strength and being able to finally welcome her back into your life. Beautiful. Knowing how you must feel, on this the anniversary, my heart is with you today.

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    1. Since birth, I wasn't a healthy child, and both my parents worked all day long, so they gave me to Teta who raised me until the age of 5 when I entered school.Teta is my family. At my parent's place, I felt more like "cindrella". I felt ignored, abandoned and only there to serve my youngest sisters and parents. Now I say, it might just be the way I felt, maybe it wasn't the truth, but it seemed true for me.
      It was a very hard day yesterday, but much better than the previous years. Thank you Monique <3

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    1. Thank you for passing by my blog and commenting :)
      I really appreciate that :)

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  5. What a beautiful story Nikky!!!

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    1. Thank you Stan. Teta was everything to me.

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    1. Thank you very much for reading and leaving a comment :)

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  7. Nikki, I'm so glad it's my turn to use the laptop today cause I can finally catch up with my reading and boy, is this is poignant and touching post! Teta sounds like she was as important to you as nana was to me. Relationships like that, are few and far between, friend. Yet how lucky are we that they were a part of our lives! This post resonates with me, lady. Still, nearly 21 years later, I think of my granny every day. Her anniversary is coming up soon and thanks to your post, I'll be able to do some welcoming of my own! Thank you for showing me another perspective is also possible, Nikki! :)

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    1. Bella, the first time you said something about Nana, it was in a comment in Jodi's Blog, and that is when i clicked on your name and followed your blog. I think i even wrote saying that my grandmother was like that too. I also talked about teta in my comment to your last post as teta was superstitious. For over 20 years, i wasn't able to mention her, and certainly not call her teta.She raised me, not my mother.

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  8. **To open up.
    To trust.
    To receive.
    To love, once more.**

    Nikki, so beautiful. thank you. xx Kiss from MN.

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  9. So beautiful, yet here I am tearing up. I am so glad you have your Teta back, Nicole. You deserve her love and your own, always.

    Lisa

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    1. Thank you Lisa.Teta was my whole world and I was so lost without her. I am learning now to let her be again part of my life. I hope I can as I need her more than ever.

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  10. Nikky, I'm so glad you and Teta are reunited. It's about time. You are clear and ready for his next step in your life. It is beautiful and you so sound strong! I'm so happy you've come into your own, so touched and moved and Teta has been waiting with open arms! Blessing of blessings, you've made her so happy!

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    1. I am glad too Jodi. I don't know if I'm strong, I don't feel I am, but I surely made a big progress. It wasn't an easy day, but it was different. Maybe also my fault for reading all the letters I wrote over the years on that date.I'm ready for a change :).

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  11. Very endearing and heartfelt. What would we ever do without grandmothers?

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    1. My grandmother showed me true love <3

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  12. Wow!You really are amazing and such self-awareness and inner strength you have my friend...You are an AMAZING writer.I was totally hanging onto each word you wrote.I too was transported back in time.Catching a glimpse of YOUR Life was a special moment for me.ThankYou Nicole!...Sending you my love andd prayers...Lata...Jeanne : )

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  13. What a beautiful post Nikky -- I am grateful you posted the link so that I could follow you here to read it today.

    Thank you lovely Nicole.

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  14. Such strong love and wisdom in this post, and it made me cry!
    Beautiful, Nikky! ♥♥♥

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    1. Thank you so Much Nicole. Your inspirational posts are helping me get in touch with Teta again.

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  15. So, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  16. Nikky,

    This is a very beautiful letter! I am so proud of you!

    XO ~Stanley

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  17. Hi Nicky - what a beautiful story.
    I read once that there is no judgement in Spirit - that sustains me when I feel I've done something that would disappoint my Guides or Ancestors. Do you think that's true?

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  18. Hi Nicky - what a beautiful story.
    I read once that there is no judgement in Spirit - that sustains me when I feel I've done something that would disappoint my Guides or Ancestors. Do you think that's true?
    Curiously, March 10 is my birthday.

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    1. It is absolutely true. There is no judgement in Spirit, only Love. I will think of you on March 10. Thank you for visiting my blog. I haven't been writing for very long but I miss it.

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