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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I need your love

I was commenting on a Blog post "what does family mean to you", and my answer was that my real family is now my online friends. I say this and repeat it always, but I still feel I can't really explain to what extent I mean it.
My blood family have known nothing about me since February 2011. They just believe the mask they see, and don't even try and ask. I know they discuss "me" among themselves, because I sometimes receive messages like: "I'm so happy to know things are great again at home" (no one asked if they were), or things like "what a good news you stopped your therapy" (why would that be good news, if you don't even care to ask why I stopped?). Two days ago, I was told; "I'm so glad you are not posting any status update on facebook, it was depressing me".
Anyways, that is only to explain why I feel more comfortable with my online friends. It's because they care and are not afraid to show it. They believe me even if they have no proof I am saying the truth. They say they love me, and dare to show it. They listen, understand, and don't blame or criticize. They fill my heart with smiles and love, and help me forget the sadness and tears.

My Online friends changed my life, they brought me back to life, but I still feel so alone sometimes. Something is still missing.
I had a very bad day and wished someone would keep me company. I felt very sick for the last two days, and so wished I had someone I could call :(
I am a much stronger person, so different, but I still need your love as I still feel lonely.
I need your love. You ALL have mine :)

30 comments:

  1. Awe...thanks Nikky for the mention. I will have a follow up post to this one in the very near future...maybe Thursday that you might enjoy as well. Unfortunately, family association/disassociation is something I know far too much about. I'm so glad to have connected via our blogs.

    Should anyone want to read the post you are referencing it's at http://dipn-dots.com/what-does-family-mean-to-you/

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    1. I am also so happy I have connected with you Leah. You offered support, and you made me a beautiful gift for my Blog. I love it!!! Thank you so much, and I'm looking forward to read all of your posts.

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  2. You brought tears to my eyes. If you ever need to call anyone you can call me. I may not be as active as some of the other people in your life but my darling sister you are my family always will be. Dont ever feel you cannot call me. even an sms and I will reply to you. You and I are one You are with me all the time in thought and in heart. You are never alone. I am always here please know that. I love you dearly.

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    1. I know Zee i can count on you. We have been through a lot together since 2007!!!. Love you <3

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  3. I am so glad to be a part of your family. We all need love and support..that is what family is for. Support means believing and never doubting..Truth is our banner and we will hold it high..we tell the truth here. the mask is off..that is what makes us family.. Much love to all my dear friends..always

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    1. Kathy, I am happy to have you in my family. You ask about me and worry for me every day like a mother would do, and I really appreciate that. I love you <3

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  4. And who says online friends aren't real? You feel at home with your virtual family because there is no judgment, only love and understanding and support. I'm so sorry about your family situation (always so hard!), but glad you do have those who care, even if they're on the other side of the computer screen.

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    1. You are so right. They are real, i can feel them. I feel their love, i feel their hugs, and I also feel their pain. We are connected. Thank you very much <3

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  5. We are here and more real than anything you have ever known! I wish you could get a message or something for some physical healing, can you?

    Hope you feel better! <3, (( virtual hug))

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    1. I love what you said Jodi: "more real than anything you have ever known" because it pushes away the hurtful past and replace it with a beautiful NOW.
      Thank you very much for reading my Blog, and a Hug even if virtual can do Miracles!
      Love you

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    2. I meant to write "massage", LOL! Or some body work done, so you can have physical touch to go along with your spiritual and emotional healing! Just because your body seems to be longing for some physical contact.

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    3. TOO good to be true Jodi :(

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  6. Nikky, all I can say is, you have to be strong, really really strong, because i want you to be a survivor. I can feel your pain, for I have been through something similar, and I can tell you, that in moments like these, calm yourself, meditate and chant. Please do. And please make your online friends real - go meet them, and have fun in life, for nothing beats the shoulder of a good friend to cry on. Go to places, see new things, meet new people.
    And I am here if you want to talk. Ready to share and care. If ever you are in a dilemma or in any kind of trauma, just email me.

    Punam

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    1. Thank you so much Punam. Your sweet words brought tears to my eyes. It's not very easy for me to go and meet my friends and have fun, but just the thought of it makes me dream, and my dreams can comfort me. Maybe I can try later and talk more about my daily struggles.
      Thank you Punam, Much love to you <3

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  7. Nikky - took me forever to find your blog.. Sorry for never commenting after you left a comment on mine. For reasons behind me, I couldn't find your. The online connection is strong. I wish you strength and peace today.

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    1. Thank you Brenda, and no worries for not passing by earlier. In fact my blog is only two weeks old!I am so happy I have connected with you, with all of you my online friends :)

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  8. Nikki, the blogging community is a kind and caring bunch. Hence, you will never be truly alone. You are a message, tweet, email away, my friend! I haven't been getting your blog updates, by the way. I sauntered over here today to see if you had posted! :)

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    1. Thank you Bella, you are absolutely right. I am finding great support from the blogging community and a lot of love. I know that Jodi is right when she said "more real than anything I ever known". It's true. After all, I'd better believe that my real life, that the real people in my life were only a product of my imagination. I'm tired.

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  9. Oh goodness, what a heart-wrenching, honest post. I'm sorry your family wasn't there for you, but I'm glad you're starting to find community.

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  10. The blogging community is one of the most supportive communities I have ever found....thank you for your support and I hope I can be a support to you....As always....XOXOXOOXOXO

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    1. Reading the blogs, and commenting, even before i created my blog two weeks ago, became my purpose. It gave me a reason. It makes me feel I want to wake up in the morning to see who posted something new, and who replied to my comment. It made me feel I'm not alone.

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  11. Its true Nikky...since I started blogging all my real friends vanished. So empathize with you. <3

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    1. Thank you very much Janaki. I found real friends online too

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  12. Wow. I can see I need to spend some time reading you blog! Thanks for following me and now I'm following you :-) Glad to meet you!

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  13. I am sure if you were to ask your online friends, many of them would want to be with you right now, friendship knows no borders.
    I found here support I would have never imagine I could get, even more than friends at the corner of my road.
    Thank you Nikky and know you are in my heart too. x

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    1. Thank you Marie for being My Friend, for caring and loving. I don't have any friends in my country. I'm not allowed to, but my online friends are amazing. Thank you for being one of them

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